I’d like to put a pin in this post because what I have been doing today is WHAT I DO when I lose trust in God.

I BEGAN TO SEARCH OUTSIDE OF MYSELF.

I turned to books, I turned to YouTube, I turned to the tikki tokki… I was in the middle of a scroll when SPIRIT SHOWED UP in my right ear and said, “This is what it looks like when you’ve lost trust.” It stopped me dead in my scroll!

QUESTION: What is your spiritual pattern?

Mine is – I THINK I GOT IT then I do what I want to do. I recognize this in my past spiritual journey, God gives me some knowledge or thing or insight and I DO MEL with it. God just referred to this as “MY GREATEST HITS” I’d like to say instead of hits, MISSES! My spirits are so funny! This time, my latest and greatest in my spiritual walk, I was very clear in my desire, I WILL DO THIS YOUR WAY! I will do this YOUR way. I WILL DO THIS YOUR WAY! I want OUT! I WANT OUT of it.

The above statement doesn’t mean I want out of LIFE or I want out of LIVING… no, what it means is I WANT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY and let Spirit be my guide. BE MY GUIDE. YES, that is my prayer, that is my gratitude, that is my offering of myself. I WANT OUT OF THE WAY, YOU take me where I am meant to be. YOU bring me the experiences I am meant to have as I grow spiritually. There’s a song by Virginia Man called Mud Tires. I love this song because it says, I’ll walk behind your mud tires. My walk, Lord help me… SPIRIT chose my walk to be through the fucking mud!

Earlier this week I was told, very specifically, YOU WANT OUT? Find, THIS (writing) about your journey is YOUR WORK. This is what you are called to DO right now. You are meant to document this road EVERY DAY…NOTHING COMES BEFORE THIS! NOTHING! Everything else, that’ll be fine, or maybe it won’t, but THIS comes first. I WILL BE FIRST.

Consciously, for the past 14 years I have known this, have actually WANTED this BUT I ALSO RESISTED THIS (which is the pain) because I really thought, well, what the hell is the point of ME then. If I’m not making the decisions then what am I here for? Aren’t I supposed to manifest my shit and do the stuff I love and have it easy? No, actually. That sucks so hard to write but, NO. Then what AM I HERE FOR? To experience it.

This is, for me, what Eckhart Tolle is saying when you walk consciously. SPIRIT LEADS and YOU EXPERIENCE. It you want to live spiritually… this is what it is.

You, as the human self you chose to come to this earth at this time, can choose, most have us have done that all our lives. We choose. Sometimes it turns out fun and great but that ain’t it PERIOD. That is NOT it. You want to walk spiritually… then you are NOT choosing where you’re going. Chances are, if you’re walking spiritually, you don’t know where the fuck you are going! Your job, YOUR LITERAL JOB in a spiritual life is to walk and experience where God directs you.

This morning, I was unconscious; I cannot stand the FEELING of being unconscious. I feel it in my root chakra, the base of my BEING… it’s not my gut its deeper and lower, when it’s overcharged or when I’m unconscious, its almost painful. It took me almost 4 hours of being unconsciously awake to hit a spot where my vibration (energy) was close enough to the energy of God to hear what I needed to come back to my center, to my heart. To know the truth of where I was and that I don’t want to be there.

My question is: WHY DO I DO THIS? WHY when I have consciously chosen to walk the spiritual path to enlightenment do I choose unconsciousness? Because LIFE, I mean COMMON, LIFE! I woke up, greeted my Spirits, thought that was enough and checked my email and paid a few bills and… and… and… LIFE spits you out of SPIRIT so fast! Coming back sometimes it takes seconds, sometimes it takes minutes, sometimes it takes weeks and months and years! I’ve been out of alignment for YEARS and thought I was IN… For crying out loud! This shit can be so tricky!

I think the only reason I came back in today so quickly was because I have declared… I WANT IN THE CLUB. I’m a Spirit jukie, not because I have to be but because I long to be. The feeling of this love and tenderness and joy and peace and light and greatness and exuberance…this is when I know I’m in! This is the FEELING of being one with God. There is nothing else that can compete, nothing else that will keep me satisfied but this feeling.

In a meditation the other day Spirit said to me, “Your heart is one with God.” To be honest I didn’t really feel it… In this moment, I do. This is why I CHOOSE to be on this journey. My cup overflows and my heart is settled.

All my love, ~ Mel 5.0