QUESTION:
- Have you ever felt COMPELLED? If so, are you willing to share how or what that was for you?
- If yes, you’ve felt compelled; have you ever gone AGAINST that feeling? Again, if you’re willing, please share.
I have felt COMPELLED to slow down my working. When I say slow down, I sort of mean I feel the more I work, the longer this IN BETWEEN is going to take. But I’m a worker bee…I’m coming to discover that my working is a place where I hide from spirit and what I am meant to do.
If you don’t know, I’m a pizza shop owner. Spirit actually gave me this particular pizza shop (I’ll share about that in another post). I took ownership of our shop in 2020-2021. Since taking it over I have worked. I don’t mean I work shifts like a job, I mean work like if you want to see me that’s where I’ll be. I’ve joked I’d like to put a recliner and my robe there so I can sleep there if it gets too late to go home because I go back in so early in the mornings. Granted it’s only 2024 as I write this but during these past few years I had a few KNOCK, KNOCKS that have been saying I need to slow down. My working my body into the ground hasn’t produced the adequate sales to sustain the pizza shop but, I am feeling COMPELLED to stop how I’ve been working and REST! Easier said than done! But, I am working on listening because the KNOCKS have become so loud that it’s all I hear…
So here I am, doing what I feel I am being led to do, which is cut back on what isn’t serving me; I’m allowing myself space to think, write, pray and meditate. This isn’t so I or the pizza shop can be saved but instead to bring peace into my heart. I stated above that the shop isn’t bringing in enough revenue to cover its bills yet and today, it’s coming to a head because it’s payroll day. There isn’t enough money; the shop is short about $3800. I had known it would be somewhere in this range. I haven’t ignored it, but also I know there was nothing I could DO to make it different. Here I am IN BETWEEN! I know spirit is guiding me to REST and at the same time, the shop is saying, YOU NEED TO WORK MORE TO GET THESE BILLS PAID!!!!! In the past I would come up with discount schemes or new products but it never panned out. It was always me breaking my fucking back TRYING to make some shit happen! It is hard to stay positive and upbeat when this is what is evident in my now.
What will end up happening is that I’ll take money from my and Jimmy’s family account to cover what I am short to ensure payroll and the other bills get paid. I’ll explain this to Jimmy and pay us back some of those funds next week after the weekend sales go into the business account. It isn’t the end of the world. Nothing is happening that is life-threatening. The bottom isn’t falling out of our lives. Life will continue to go on but oh how it feels like the bottom is falling out.
Here’s what I WANT to happen. I want God to see me in this moment, see my heart. I want spirit to tell me it’s all going to be ok. I want spirit to boost the sales for the shop and pay me, even if it’s just for my heart being in the right place. This is when the IN BETWEEN feels hard. This is when it’s hard to meditate. This is when it’s hard to trust. This is when it’s hard to keep DOING what I feel in my heart to do, which is nothing. Not NOTHING, but nothing. A soft nothing.
Here’s what I feel compelled NOT TO DO…rush in with crazy social media posts, rush in with coupons, and rush in with a new idea for marketing. Also, don’t throw up my hands and say I quit. Don’t say, FUCK IT, I can’t do this. Don’t say I must be wrong and I’m just lazy. I want to do a combination of all of those things. I want to scream and blame everyone I do and don’t know why it’s their fault and they should be supporting us better. I want to scream inwardly that I should DO MORE, BE BETTER, BE MORE!!!
Instead, I’m breathing. I’m going to go for a walk. I’m going to meditate. I’m going to use this writing to remind myself that I did all those things above last year and they yielded insignificant results. What doing all those things above last year did was continue to break down my body and my mind and crush my spirit. I’m asking myself the question, what can I do right now to align me better with what I believe to be true? I can remind myself that I am stable and even if I use all the money in my account and we pull back from spending this weekend, we’ll be fine. I can appreciate that I have a wonderful home. I appreciate that times have been tough before and we’ve survived them and found joy. Last year was much more challenging than this year, and we made it through. In the worst-case scenario, the lease for our business space is up next year, so that is a window out if necessary. It’s just money. We’re all healthy. I am healthier this year than I was last year. Even though I am doing less, I feel like it is a good thing. I’m not returning to beating myself up, that I need to be better and smart enough to do this. The truth is that I am spirit in a body who came here for a purpose. I am giving space for that purpose to shine through. In that space, I trust and believe that all things are working out for my best interest.
I always tell my kids: LIFE IS LONG; don’t rush it. I will say that to myself today and, if necessary, tomorrow and the next and the next. Life is long. I have decided I am going to follow the lead of my soul. I am going to trust that where it leads is going to be AWESOME! I WANT to follow my soul. Part of me questions why I even consider my “SOUL”…what the hell is that? In truth, I don’t know, I wonder if I’m making this all up! I’ve been listening to a book where the author lived a fine life and still felt this compelling pull to go in another direction. I don’t know her IN BETWEEN but it sounds like she went through some troubling times. She kept going and she says she’s glad she did. Maybe I’m crazy, maybe that author was crazy but I just think this is what is best for me.
Crazy break to call my best friend Anne. Sometimes you need a friend who will just listen.
While on the phone with Anne, I slipped on my shoes and went for a walk. As I’m sharing with her my situation and my feelings, she, as good friends do, lets me talk and talk and talk. I go through most of what I shared above. My walk ends with me back home on the front porch swing. As I sit, I begin to tell her how I feel my spirits say, almost pleadingly, LET US. LET US, PLEASE MEL, LET US! As I tell her what I am feeling, I begin to weep softly as this deep sense of trust settles over me.
Anne offered to loan me some money to cover what the shop needed. I then shared with Anne how I was in the same space last year, probably right around this time. Out of money. I told her that I called my sister and asked her to invest in PK; she did. Each month I would tell her how much money the shop was short and she would send PK an “INVESTMENT”. It took all my worries away…sort of… I felt a sense of ease…BUT…. I also felt like this was wrong. Not because it’s wrong to borrow or allow your family to help you financially but because I just felt that I was not making the right call here, but my fear was stronger than my faith. So, I told Anne, I’m NOT doing it, and here’s why: because it feels like my soul and my spirits are saying, LET US.
As I sit here thinking about this nonsense, the beginnings of excitement are bubbling up inside of me. It’s like I’m a soda that’s just starting to get shook up. It feels like the feeling of LET US is accompanied by a grander plan than just getting by.
Friends, I have no idea what this means or if it means anything or if, as I suspect, I probably need to be put into a mental support group but what I am going to DO is LET THEM. I mentally yell out to my spirits, “SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT! What miracles do you have in store for me?” I guess I’ll just wait around and see.
If you’re willing: Share with me a time you LET THEM?
All my love,
~Mel