Questions:
- Have you ever gotten what you asked for? If so, how did that turn out for you?
- What comes to mind when you think of surrender?
It was 2019 when I decided that I (I would like to capitalize and highlight that I, so you know that it is the human self I that decided) would be successful. That’s the biggest fucking joke there is, but I believe in deciding, so I decided (can we all just agree that I still hadn’t learned my lesson…sad sigh) I was tired of playing life small and was to be and FEEL successful (in proof reading this I want to SCREAM at myself like you would at the tv screen during a scary movie when you KNOW SHE SHOULDN’T GO IN THAT HOUSE). How do you do that, you may be asking? Focus on the FEELING; it’s actually quite simple. You begin by finding places in your life where you ARE and FEEL successful, then consciously feel them more often.
I feel I need to reiterate a point here: you can HAVE whatever you desire..it really only takes focus…but, side bar, you better be sure you’re WHOLE self (aka your heart) is the leader. As for my desired success…that wasn’t my heart, that was my ego…shit goes real bad when you let that fucker take the lead!!!
At this time, I was working at a local hospital as a lab courier. I loved that job and joked it was the “Til I’m Dead” job. I spent a lot of time alone driving during that job. During my day, I began to highlight and enhance every time I felt successful, regardless of what it was. If a dinner I made turned out delicious, I would feel that success. I’d talk about it to my friends or sometimes talk about it in my mind to myself. I went on and on about how successful I felt at every opportunity. It almost became an addiction. I started feeling like I was invincible! Co-workers began to laugh when I came into work, a massive smile on my face telling them why I was feeling so successful. For work, I also had side gigs in corporate group facilitation, think team-building. For the new year, 2020, I used my facilitation skills to put together a workshop called New You 2020. Women I knew signed up to join this event, and other women I knew signed up to facilitate workshop segments about all areas of health: financial, emotional, spiritual, and physical. I remember thinking, watching these women connect and become even more empowered made me feel ever more successful. I loved it! I planned to do more of these events. However, COVID began to ravage the world, and it was hitting home in the US.
Also, in 2019, I was fascinated by this little pizza shop that was working to open in the same strip mall as the chiropractor I utilized. Each time I’d go to get an adjustment I would see the progress of the pizza shop. One day in the late summer, when I pulled up to my appointment with the chiropractor, I noticed that Pizza Katerina had the open sign up and the door open. When I got out of my van the smell of bread grabbed my nose like in the cartoons and pulled me into this quaint shop. I met the owner, Paul. We chatted for a few minutes, and I told him I’d be back after my back crackin’. When I returned, I bought a slice of pizza and a loaf of bread. I ate the pizza then tore into the bread while I drove home. Both foods were…well, the bread reminded me of my mom, and the pizza tasted like what Jimmy, and I made at home for our family when we did pizza night.
Side note: Jimmy and I have been making homemade pizza for our family on Friday or Saturday nights for probably 10-12 years….we have 5 kids! During that time, neighbors, friends, and extended family came over for pizza nights. As a matter of fact, friends and family would tell us, “You guys should open a pizza shop.” I used to respond by saying, “No fucking way, it’s too much work!” (This is foreshadowing if you haven’t already guessed it.)
Now that we had Pizza Katerina, when we didn’t want to make pizza or were busy, I would call or text Paul and ask him to, “Save 5 doughballs for us.” I’d also usually order bread or whatever treats he had baking up that day. I told everyone about this incredible pizza shop and the excellent owners. Sometimes when I’d call or text Paul asking him to save us doughballs for our pizza that night he’d tell me so and so came in on my recommendation. I was so pleased to share a love of pizza and support this local business in the best way I knew how.
Back to early 2020. It was in February when I saw on social media that Pizza Katerina had temporarily closed. I immediately texted Paul and asked what was happening. He informed me that his wife, who had previously been in remission of breast cancer was back in the heat of it. This time it had metastasized to her brain. He was devistated. Then, in March, Michigan and the country began shutting down due to COVID. It was a one-two punch for Paul and his wife Kathleen! Over the coming weeks and months, I would check in with Paul, or I’d see he had posted an update on social media and that they were hopeful they’d be able to open again. In August of 2020, Jimmy and I were washing dishes in our home when a text came in from a friend, Sue. The text was something like, Mel, Pizza Katerina is up for sale; you and Jimmy should buy it! I still remember looking at Jimmy saying, “Wanna buy a pizza shop?” He asked if it was PK (Pizza Katerina), when I said yes he said, “YES!”
I texted Paul and said, “Hey, Jimmy and I are interested in buying PK…what do you think?” He said he thought we’d be great at it and gave me the seller’s agent info. Blah Blah Blah…we did all the things, filled out all the forms, checked out all our money, and were turned down for the loan. It was COVID, we had ZERO experience owning or managing a restaurant and again, IT WAS COVID! Not gonna happen. We tried to scrape the cash together but didn’t have it. I sent Paul an email and finally said, “We just can’t come up with the money.” I told him to find someone or accept someone else’s offer, and I wish him and Kathleen the best of luck.
Jimmy and I were so sad! I remember waking up in the middle of the night saying, “I really want that pizza shop.” But, no money is no money and I had to let it go. I did. Life moved on, I kept working at the hospital. I was attempting to homeschool our boys, Jimmy was back to work, and I was still sucking on tendrils of success. Juicing that lemon for all it was worth, I just FELT like something was going to POP!
POP! While checking my email I noticed something new from Paul. He sent me a note asking if we were still intersted in PK. I informed him that, yes, however, we still didn’t have the money. He said he had an idea and he’d get back to me. A week or two later, he emailed me back and said that if we were serious, he would sell the business to us on a land contract. I was FLOORED! I WAS ASTOUNDED! I bawled tears of JOY!!!
This was somewhere in November before Thanksgiving. We were in the process of helping our oldest son and his wife purchase their first house. I told our kids what was happening at Thanksgiving dinner and explained that I wanted this. Dad and I have been all your bitches, which was our responsibility but this is something for us and I expected them ALL to pitch in! Our family was ALL IN! Right around the 1st of 2021 Jimmy and I became owners of Pizza Katerina.
Paul met us a few times at the shop to teach us how to make doughballs, the sauce, the bread (YUM, it’s still my breakfast every morning) and all the other ins and outs of making pizza the East Coast way. It was my version of heaven! The work was labor intensive, the hours were long but I was in my JOY! I remember the first Friday night at the shop, we fucked EVERYTHING up!! EVERYTHING! I told customers who were kind enough to come out and support us to go home, take a nap, and return in 3 hours. It was HORRIBLE! AND I KNEW this was spirits was of giving me the opportunity of success and I was going to sink my teeth in it! That morning, yes, Friday night led into Saturday morning by the time Jimmy and I got home. I told Siri, “Set my alarm for 6 am.” Siri replied, “Your alarm is set for this morning at 6 am.” I don’t know what time it was we went to bed but I do know it was after midnight.
More than one thing can be true along with another thing that is its complete opposite. I manifested this pizza shop, there is NO denying that! The success I manifested was the success of the manifestation itself; this is what I have been having trouble coming to the realization of. I THOUGHT by receiving the pizza shop I would be manifesting success, I manifested INITIAL success but not the type of success I thought would come FROM the pizza shop. The pizza shop, not by the fault of the thing itself, has taken me down a lesson that I didn’t want to learn nor, in all truth, needed to learn had I not DECIDED to manifest HOW I WANTED TO FEEL.
How do I describe this: what’s the saying, make plans and God laughs. Yep, that’s where this is right there!!!
I DECIDED to manifest the feeling of success. In my singular focus I did just that, the law of attraction at its best!!! Here’s the problem, I DECIDED with my EGO. I didn’t decide with my heart. How to explain: when I had experienced the spiritual awakening I LONGED to follow the path of my soul. My heart LONGED to follow the path of my soul. My heart STILL longs to follow the path of my soul. My physical self LONGS to feel successful and wealthy and be envied (it’s true, it’s ugly but true). The heart is the connection to your soul and the hearts wishes WILL be realized. It has taken me 14 years to recognize this simple truth. The chaos in my life, in my pizza shop is for this reason alone; my heart WILL recognize in real life what it desires. If you go against your heart, I don’t even like to say it and I want to say, FOR SOME, but that’s not true, for ALL, shit will fall apart until you follow your heart. My heart desires to realize my soul’s purpose. It is the most truthful statement for me and because that is so, my life has been non-stop lessons to be learned only to lead me here.
What to do now? I’ve got a pizza shop, it is truly delicious pizza, I do love it, but it isn’t the desire of my heart. The problem is, I don’t know how to let it go. I mean, I will, but I’m unsure how because the debts that has accrued are monstrous. Now I’m back to faith, God sees that I am new. I am in a new place of awareness and my heart is open to all possibilities! Once you’ve got faith, now you’ve got to add patience into the mix.
Question: What is the desire of your heart? Are you willing to share?
~Mel