Question: When or do you ever feel crazy for God? If so, are you willing to share?
I finally began to tell my closest friends and family that I am officially OFF THE RAILS.
For the past few weeks, let alone years, I have kept much of what I feel to myself as it relates to my spiritual path. I mean, they know I talk to my spirits and I sometimes listen to them when they talk back to me but after making the decision to go ALL IN, whatever the hell that actually means I don’t know yet, I let them in on the secret. The secret is… I think I’m nuts!
Since my awakening I have known what I am meant to “do” (please know I say that loosely because I don’t actually KNOW what I’m meant to DO just that I’m meant to follow). But I am now fully on the crazy train of following where my spirits lead me.
Back to me telling my friends and family that I’m bonkers. First I text our daughter and apologized for not being available these last few weeks as I’ve been trying to straighten myself out. Then I called my friend Anne and asked her for help for the times when I revert or want to revert back to “OLD MEL”. That means, when I start talking about how busy I am doing pizza shop stuff or can’t seem to balance family with this FOLLOWING thing, I asked her to, “Please tell me to STOP and remember to get back into balance with my PATH”. I left my friend Heather a marco-polo saying essentially the same thing. Then I had to buck up and tell Jimmy the news (this was the hardest person to tell) “When the pizza shop gets busy, I don’t get busier. This FOLLOWING and writing, at least for now, is my WORK and it WILL come first.” His first question was, does that mean I have to work more. Yep, that’s what that means for now. The trouble with me is I don’t actually mind WORKING. I mostly LOVE going into the pizza shop and DOING all the things. It brings me a sense of satisfaction and joy. BUT here’s what I was reminded of this morning and…be forewarned, it’s a bit of a crude feeling…I want to soften it but what spirit guides share we (in all of our humaning) filter unfortunately… There are people who are “stuck” in abuse and stay (I AM NOT A THERAPIST AND DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW IF I’M RIGHT HERE) because the devil we know is easier or better than the devil we don’t know. It’s like, you THINK you love the WORK because you haven’t felt the joy and satisfaction of something EASIER or less physically demanding. Anyway, I felt the need to tell him this because I’m afraid that when the shop gets busy I’m going to do what I do which is work more. Spirit has instructed me that THIS IS MY WORK, for now. As I am fully committed to following “them”, “they” come first. Everything else will fall into place… however, if I do the other thing I do, WORK MORE, shit will just fall apart. THIS IS MY WORK. It’s a hard thing to tell someone that the WORK we committed to and has been our primary thing to DO isn’t going to be my primary thing, but it still needs to get DONE… and that means they’ll have to DO more. You’d think it’d be like WOO HOO spirit told me I don’t have to work so hard anymore and it’s really the opposite. I say it like I’m a little mouse… squeak squeak… spirit said I’m not to do the WORK…sorry, not sorry, but sorry.
For now, this is what I feel; I am meant to put following spirit above all else and that means ALL else! Right now, that is, up at 3 am writing this nonsense which isn’t even a thing. It also means that they come first…. again, WHAT? Like, even as I’m writing this I think, I don’t even know what they’re talking about. But, again, here I am up in the middle of the night WILLING! There’s this great part in the book Mostly What God Does by Savannah Guthrie about willingness and showing up for God. I read this part in the book on a perfect day where when I was at the pizza shop I felt compelled to GET DOWN ON MY KNEES AND PRAY. So, in private I have been following, I got right down on my knees. I thought to myself and said to God, I’m not sure what I’m praying for so I began to share my appreciation and gratitude. It was short and it felt a bit disjointed. Later that day we were driving to our daughter’s house for our granddaughter’s birthday party. I brought along that book (which I feel I need to share was UNDER a bunch of shit on my side of the bed. When I got home, before we left for the party, I felt the URGENCY to clean up that side of the room… it didn’t matter that we were running late… basically it was so I could read this one part). Often, I drive but again, I was meant to open the book to where I had previously left off and it was at chapter 10 Praying When You Can’t… spirit floods me even by just thinking of this and opening that book up to make sure I got the name of the chapter correct. Savannah talks about the WILLINGNESS to pray even when you don’t have the words. It was EXACTLY what I needed to read. God knows your heart. Your heart is your connection to God. Not your mind, not your body. GOD KNOWS YOUR HEART!
Side note: this is where I, MEL, my human-ness wants to SCREAM…feel free to go to church and DO all the things but GOD KNOWS YOUR HEART. I, MEL, want to scream… feel free to be baptized or preach to all your friends, maybe even your congregation but GOD KNOWS YOUR HEART! There is NO lying to God. There is NO PRETENDING. Your heart is your connection. God is asking me to ask you, do you know where your heart is? This isn’t a judgement, not my job, this is just a reminder that regardless of what you DO, GOD KNOWS YOUR HEART. I am here because my heart is… I just stopped the flow because I was/am afraid to share but, I’m going to do it…. I’m here because my heart is right with God. I, MEL, want to share with you all the reasons why and how I fuck it all up and all the shitty things I have done in my past and probably will in the future but… my heart is right with God. There’s this song I love to listen to, More Than Anything… the lyrics go something like, Help me want the healer more than the healing, help me want the savior more than the saving, help me want the giver more than the giving. This song reminds me of a few things: 1. I am not alone in this desire. 2. I am not any better than anyone else.
I felt the desire to meditate before writing more, it’s not lost on me how afraid I am to fuck this up so a bit of what I heard from spirit during meditation feels fitting: Tell them how you fucked it up before. What is meditation and how it can feel, what does it do. I am his queen. Hello God, it’s Me Margaret.
Each of these little nudges deserves their own full story but I’ll give a short synopsis here:
TELL THEM HOW YOU FUCKED IT UP: At the time of my awakening I knew I was meant to be a spiritual leader. It seemed bananas but I tried to follow. I fucked it up (not totally fucked it up but didn’t take it where it was meant to go fully) I felt, and still am struggling with the fact that I am not anyone who has any KNOWLEDGE (so at that time I blended it with what I did know; physical movement like running, triathlons… essentially women getting healthy and taking back their power). I’ve got a whole thing I’m going to write on this on another blog post… it’ll be under Your Turn.
Meditation is a space where you LISTEN to the higher power of yourself. It’s you, making space to listen to your soul. It takes practice. It takes practice. It takes practice. Someone said prayer is when YOU talk. Meditation is when YOU LISTEN. What meditation DOES, eventually, is raises your energy, or vibration to that of spirit so you can HEAR more clearly. The more consistently you enter a state of meditation that vibration becomes more consistently raised and for lack of better words, you just FEEL better! It’s like BALM for your heart and nervous system. I just heard spirit say it’s like lotion for the inside of your body… that’s so true!
Hello God, it’s me, Margaret: Often when I go into meditation or just bumbling around in real life, I’ll say, “I want to be led. I’m done doing this “LIFE” myself or the way I think it should go.” I’m all in and spirit knows that. I think they said that as a joke like, “Mel, we gotch you. Please don’t worry.” I’m reminded of my understanding of the book Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsh. Neale finished transcribing that book, God tells him he’ll be doing another, and they set a date to start. On the date decided Neale sits down to listen. When they begin their dialog Neale says to God, hey, where you been? God was like, I’ve been here… Where have YOU been? I take that to mean that Neale thought he wasn’t meant to TUNE IN until the date pre-planned (I may have misinterpreted this, but I think it’s close). We don’t need to wait for a prescribed DATE to meet up with God in the chat room. God is here and willing every single minute of every single day. When you sit down in meditation it’s like you saying to God, Hi God, It’s me Margaret.
I am his queen: that was said because as I was in a quiet space I felt Jimmy roll over in bed next to me and I felt spirit tell me, “I am his queen.” I won’t tell him this because… I’m not an asshole. I love him, he loves me and that’s it.
It’s now 4:30 am. I appreciate God waking me up to write this. This is my joy! This is my joy! I think I sound like a lunatic but, for better or for worse, this is my JOY!
I want to write a whole thing on JOY…. I’ll do that later : )
All my love, ~ Mel 5.0