It’s time, its time, did you just say it’s time?

Do you have kids? I do, 5 of them and 5 grandkids as of now…I’m sure plenty more to come. When my kids were little, we watched Veggie Tales; a Christian cartoon that had moral stories mixed in with Larry the Cucumber and Bob the Tomato. My favorite character was Jean Claude the Pea! The jingle at the beginning of the cartoons started with, BUM BUM BUM (like a drumbeat) then It’s time, It’s Time…did you just say it’s time. That’s the little ditty in my mind this morning as I woke up. You know what that means don’t you? Neither do I… well, maybe I have an idea. It’s time for me to let go of the fear that’s held me captive for the past 13 years of my life. The fear of becoming what my soul has destined for me to be.

I hate the word destined. I was raised in a Pentecostal faith. My biological dad divorced my mom when I was 5. My mom had been a stay-at-home mom with us 3 kids with only a high school diploma. I don’t know if it would have mattered if she did have additional education or formal training; my mom believes that a woman’s place is in the home. Needless to say, the 3 of us kids didn’t grow up with much money in the family. My bio dad tried to swindle my mom at every turn, and she believe that if she didn’t fight him, he’d evidentially come back to us…that’s not what happened. My mom did end up marrying a man who I consider to be my dad, but money was always a struggle. Here’s the way my mom would talk, “Where’s your faith.” She had faith, FAITH. That mustard seed saying, well, her faith was the mountain. Every fiber of her being was rooted in faith. I rejected that with every fiber of my own being. Here’s another thing I can’t stand along with the idea of being destined…I can’t the combination of FAITH and DESTINY. This has probably been my greatest life struggle.

IF IT IS TRUE that we are a soul with a purpose that gains a physical body to live out that purpose and we also have free will, well, I feel like I’ve lost the desire for free will. WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING TO ME?!?! When I was a kid going into my adult life, I decided I wasn’t doing faith. I was going to make my own way. That wasn’t exactly true because I was raised by a mom who believe being married was the highest thing you could do. I didn’t grow up thinking I could DO for myself. I thought I needed a man to make that shit happen for me…so I found a guy in high school. Decided he was the best I would or could get and we evidentially married and had 2 kids. I didn’t DO anything FOR myself. I worked and I tried to be a good wife and mom but let’s face it, I wasn’t happy. I mean, I can be HAPPY anywhere. I like to joke (I probably shouldn’t, it’s true) I could be happy in prison. I’m generally a happy person. I get down and feel sad and discouraged and then pop back up in joy and love and laughter. Let me share a timeline of my life as I see it.

Birth to 5 – Secure in life

5-36 – Floundering in everything EXCEPT my abhorrence of faith and God

36 to now – Floundering but because I am afraid that I’m not going to realize my souls’ purpose but also too afraid to go for it. I’ve been playing small even as at times I have taken great leaps of faith, they were diminished because…well, because I think it’s nuts that I’m supposed to be something I feel I am but am completely unequipped to be!

DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL THIS WAY?

Back to today, yesterday actually, maybe even Saturday. I finished a long day of work Saturday. After I got home and made some dinner I sat on the porch swing. I felt compelled, yes, that word again, to text a friend about going to the beach on Sunday. She said yes so that’s what we did, on Sunday we went to the beach, and it was GLORIOUS. I’d like to sing you that song by Macklemore. Toes in the hot sand, sun on my body, chatting with a good friend who may think I’m crazy but loves me anyway. On the way TO the beach the feeling kept coming to me that, “You’ve got to do this!” What THIS means is publish the writing I’ve been doing and start a YouTube channel. You probably wouldn’t believe how many videos I have stashed on my phone and how many things I’ve written over the years. I’ve dabbled in sharing a little of these but always felt like I come off as depressing or greedy or pathetic. I have zero education in spirituality, I can’t even figure out how to make this blog that I’ve finally published look good let alone understand if people will be able to navigate it. But, on Sunday, the day before I’m writing this I feel like, “You want shit to get better, then this is what you’re going to do.”

I digress back to disliking destiny and faith. Where’s my free will? Here’s what I think. I think free will is the physical me deciding that I am going to realize my soul’s purpose, I decided this back 14 years ago. I’ve dabbled in it here and there, but I’ve never been all in. Now I think Spirit has made the statement TIMES UP. It’s like Spirit is saying to me, “We know you’re afraid. We see your fear. We also see your heart. We’ve got you. You’re going to be OK BUT to be OK you’ve got to let this fear go. It’s TIME!”

So, it’s time, its time, did you just say it’s time? YEP. I won’t profess to be a spiritual teacher or leader or anything of the sort. I will profess this; I am a SOUL with a purpose and a body to use to fulfil that purpose. I surrender to the purpose of my soul even in my unease. I will go forward in faith.

Today is a new day, I’ve turned a new leaf AGAIN. There’s no going back now!

If you’ve got time, please share with me some time when you’ve gone out on faith or when you’ve decided not to. Let’s be in this together.

~Mel